UPDATE: THE 'DICK' APPEARING IN THE TEXT MESSAGES BELOW WAS ORIGINALLY BELIEVED TO BELONG TO JUSTIN BIEBER. IT IS NOT HIS. THE DICK DOES BELONG TO A MAN NAMED MIKEY ROX, WHO HAS CLAIMED IT AS HIS OWN. READ HIS STORY HERE. READ FULL RETRACTION HERE.

   

Sometime in late January of last year, many tabloid media outlets were gifted with a set of text messages captured from the iPhone of one Selena Gomez, an actress, whose works include Spring Breakers and other stuff. The texts showed heated exchanges with her off-again, on-again boyfriend, iconic pop singer of the YouTube era, Justin Bieber. What was blurred out of those text messages were two photos sent by Mr. Bieber accompanied by a question to Ms. Gomez asking if she'll "miss this."

The "this" he's referring to is his someone else's not-so-teeny wang, as you'll see in the second image of the texts below:

prshg5vxo01alw0irv4e.jpg. Image 1.prshg5vxo01alw0irv4e.jpg

f8or4kqmoynnx22rttrx.jpg. Image 2.f8or4kqmoynnx22rttrx.jpg

a68vgm7gxibox7gh8dio.jpg. Image 3.a68vgm7gxibox7gh8dio.jpg

olmbnemli5vluh4dggrq.jpg. Image 4.olmbnemli5vluh4dggrq.jpg

w6ar8km78offo5attchc.jpg. Image 5.w6ar8km78offo5attchc.jpg

The "Scooter" referenced by Ms. Gomez is Scooter Braun, Mr. Bieber's manager. I contacted Mr. Braun via email to inquire about the existence of these published text messages in the hopes that I could prove, once and for all, that Mr. Bieber's package was not enhanced. He begrudgingly responded:

 

Hi. The reason they never ran is they were proven false. Our lawyer is cced. Thank you

Sent from my iphone

 

As we've stated already, the text messages did run, they were just censored. I followed up and asked Braun where and how these messages were "proven false" and Mr. Braun once again responded with lawyers "cced":

 

False. Already Proven.

Sent from my iphone

 

According to our sources — and the Google-able results available for this incident — these texts were never "proven false" as he stated, but merely "denied" or "declined to comment" by both Bieber and Gomez's well-compensated camps. Our sources confirm that these text messages are legit, however.

As for the CK ad photoshop touch-up theories, here's my personal conclusion:

These photos do not provide much in the way of scrotal visuals — key components to any and all powerful bulges — however with the full shaft provided we can at least ballpark the size of his balls. I would go as far to say that Mr. Bieber's scrotum may, depending on room temperature and/or mood of testicles, be spacious enough to store one and a half to two free-range hen eggs. (There is the slight chance, of course, Mr. Bieber was sending a photoshopped and/or artificially enhanced penis to Gomez, but that would undermine Bieber's camps more recent denials of enhancements.)

With this new evidence we've provided I do feel Bieber's owed an apology, especially the ones skeptical about his bulge, because he's probably not lying about how it appears in his Calvin Klein underwear. Had media outlets simply made the effort to track down the uncensored version of the Bieber/Gomez texts, they would have provided the public some crucial information and more room for debate. Instead, you were denied it, until now.

So my advice for young journalists is this: Never underestimate the power of the D.

Now that we're here, Swamp Dogg, play that song for the doomed.

(Good job, Lil' Ben.)

 

[BIEBER HALLELUJAH IMAGE HOT STUFF DONE BY WOOLLEY!]